Gifts For the Recipient Who Has Everything
And, no, the title of this post does not refer to being infected with any type of STD.

Here's a really creative gift idea for the woman who has everything. It's a pretty sure and solid bet that she ain't got nothin' like this. In fact, I'm guessing she hasn't even seen anything like it either. Anyways, we've got her covered (just barely).

And, just so the man who has everything doesn't feel left out, we've got something for him too. Granted, it's not as stunningly exotic as the gift for her, but at least they'll match.
- posted by April @ 11:39 PM  

 
The Nature of God
A friend sent me this joke and I thought I'd pass it along. It's pretty funny in kind of an evil way (But not as evil a way as clowns...meh...forget it. That was yesterday's post).

There once was a little boy named George. George was watching television while his father was reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he approached his father and asked, "Dad, is God black or white?".

Dad replied, "He's both, son. God is black and white."

About five minutes later, little George was back. "Dad, is God a man or a woman?"

And Dad replied, "He's both, son. God is both man and woman."

After yet another five minutes or so, the boy came back and asked his father, "Dad, does God love all children?".

Dad replied, "Yes, son, God loves all children."

The boy stood there for a few moments thinking then finally asked his father, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"

Told ya it was evil (in a funny kind of way). Please, no flames from supporters of The Gloved (and masked!) One . It's a JOKE. And as long as I'm sharing jokes, check out A Brief History of Computers. Oops! Pardon me. My geekiness is showing.
- posted by April @ 9:59 AM  

 
Clowns Are Evil!
As if further proof was needed that clowns are just plain, pure evil. First there was Pennywise from Stephen King's It. Now we have Spanky, the kiddie porn-loving clown. Spanky's job as a clown for the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus brought him into close contact with children on a regular basis. Isn't that enough to send a chill down your spine? I don't even want to start thinking about the connotations of the name "Spanky" in this context. By the way, don't mistake my feelings for clowns as coulrophobia. I'm not afraid of them. I just dislike them very intensely. And a quick search on Google using the words "hate clowns" shows I'm not alone in feeling this way- 97,900 entries. There's even a site that promises to cure you of coulrophobia, should you "suffer" from it. Personally, I find the fear of clowns to be a whole lot more understandable than I do the urges behind someone wanting to become one. Make no mistake- clowns know they scare people. There's just something spooky about an adult who hides his real feelings behind a painted face and floppy shoes. Makes the psyche recoil. Besides, fear often serves its purpose in keeping us away from things that may be harmful. Anyone remember John Wayne Gacy?

There's now an excellent anti-clown website which has also started to host blogs. While you're there, be sure to check out the forums (some of the posts are hilarious). You might also want to spend a little time on the original site. They offer some great anti-clown t-shirts with sayings like, "can't sleep, clowns will eat me...". For more proof of how warped these individuals are, you need look no further than Ouchy(Nice to beat you!). Ouchy notes on his site that he has been a practicing clown dominant for over three years. I guess his services are great for people who feel that plain old vanilla BDSM has gotten dull. Never fear! Ouchy specializes in, as his site states, "bondage and discipline, hot wax, straight razor shaving (complete with x-rated pictures), boundary pushing, making you laugh while I hurt you". He also happens to be a member of The Porn Clown Posse (Yes, there are more of them!)

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I hate mimes too. To me they're merely a quieter version of the dreaded clown. If only we could wall them up in real boxes, rather than the invisible ones they're always pretending to be locked into. Am I the only person who has the urge to bitchslap these idiots? I think not, since a Google search of "hate mimes" returns a healthy 10,600 results. Not as many as "hate clowns", but, see? That's the problem. They're quiet, and therefore a more insidious problem. Evidently the people of IHateClowns.com agree, because they have a sister site named, appropriately enough, IHateMimes.com. They are but one of a good number of anti-mimic websites.

How does someone decide to pursue this particular path of employment? I mean, do you just wake up one day and say to yourself, "I have a strangely compelling urge to cover my face in greasepaint and act like a moron"? I know that there is such a thing as clown college because I have had the misfortune of being acquainted with some of its graduates. Is there a similar school for mimes? Unfortunately, yes. An in depth study of the pathology of these people could fill chapters in an abnormal psychology manual.
- posted by April @ 2:40 PM  

 
I'm Baaaaaack!
Hi! It's good to finally be back among the living. My entire last week is something of a blur. The only things I vaguely remember are being very nauseous and sleeping a lot. Hmmm...actually, now that I really think about it, I remember the phone ringing quite a bit too. If you're one of the people whose calls I drowsed through, please accept my apologies.

I think the nausea became some miserable, self-perpetuating state of being. Because of the pain associated with avascular necrosis, I'm on some pretty heavy-duty narcotic pain medications (i.e. methadone). Even at the best of times, these meds tend to upset my stomach. So, since I was already feeling extremely nauseous (for unknown reasons) I stopped taking my pain medications. As anyone with any experience with narcotics knows, you can only miss so many doses before withdrawals set in. And, aside from sleeping, guess what one of the biggest problems with withdrawals is: nausea. Anyways, I finally managed to keep a little food down this morning and was able to take a very small dose of my medication too. I'm starting to feel like a human being again. Of course, one positive consequence of all this is the fact that I lost eight pounds without even trying. Yes, I know it probably wasn't the healthiest way to lose weight, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Kidding around about being back among the living has reminded me of a couple of websites dedicated to the exact opposite: death. The first site to come to mind is The Death Clock. After answering a few simple questions, this clock will tell you the supposed exact time of your impending demise. Or, to put it in simpler terms, it'll tell you when you can expect to kick the bucket. Just in case you may want to pencil it into your Dayplanner.

If you're less interested in your own mortality and want to check out the graves of celebrities and total strangers, Find A Grave is the site for you. As a side note, one of the most popular searches recently is the entry for Andy Kaufman. Someone claiming to be Andy Kaufman recently started a blog here on Blogger, so this probably accounts for the recent increase in the number of people seeking to verify that he is indeed dead. As if a copy of his death certificate isn't enough proof.

Okay, got sidetracked there for a minute. Now, getting back on track, here's another website that is quite similar to Find A Grave. This one is called Find A Death. If you still happen to be obsessed with Princess Diana, this is one place you can find extensive coverage of things related to her death. If the death of royalty isn't particulary of interest to you, maybe you'd rather check out Saturday Night Live alumni Gilda Radner (one of my all-time favorite celebrities), John Belushi and Chris Farley, who wanted to follow in Belushi's footsteps and, tragically, did, even down to the manner of his death.

I think that's quite enough about death for now. Thanks for being patient with me during my absence. I'll be doing my best to update daily from here on. Hope you enjoy the links!
- posted by April @ 10:10 AM  

 
Just in case anyone's wondering why I've missed posting for a couple days, I'm feeling a little under the weather lately. Bear with me and I should be back to normal (okay, normal for me) in a day or two. In the meantime, check out the Gallery of Regrettable Food for a few laughs.
- posted by April @ 2:40 AM  

 
This is undoubtedly one of the most bizarre things I've seen in a while. And yet.....it's strangely compelling. Warning: It may become lodged in your brain for days. Click with caution! (badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, SNAKE! SNAKE!...)

Okay, if that last one was a little too bizarre for you, maybe you'll enjoy a couple flash animations I ran across. They are thirty second adaptations of two classic horror films: Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining" and "The Exorcist". These versions have a bit of a twist to them, though. The main characters are portrayed by bunnies.

Yes, I have been in kind of a "Twilight Zone" frame of mind lately.

P.S.: If you happen to be a "Twilight Zone" afficionado, there is another excellent site here.
- posted by April @ 2:54 PM  

 
Recently, friends have been e-mailing me jokes, so I thought I'd share a few with you. Hope they bring a little humor to your day!


Mike was going to be married to Sheila, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and told her to put them on. So she did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Mike thinks this over and decides that it might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, as his father suggested, Mike takes off his pants and says to Sheila, "Here try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large. They definitely don't fit me."

Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Sheila takes off her pants and hands them to Mike, saying, "Here, you try on mine."

Mike is a little surprised at this but decides to humor her and do what she says. He tries and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Sheila says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will!"


Romantic Dinner?

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, Sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, Honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, Pig?"

Ah, romance...ain't it grand?
- posted by April @ 5:27 PM  

 
Douglas Adams (1952-2001)
I'm a couple days late with this, but still wanted to take a moment to commemorate the life and writings of Douglas Adams. He died of a heart attack on May 11, 2001, at the age of 49. On that day, we lost one of the funniest, most creative people who ever put pen to paper. I'm sure that the books in his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series will be read and enjoyed for many generations to come. If you haven't yet found time to read his books, please do. If you enjoy science fiction combined with a brilliant sense of humor, you won't be disappointed.

Doug, we miss you. You were one hoopy frood who always knew where his towel was.
- posted by April @ 2:40 AM  

 
I was doing my laundry when I ran across this clip on how to fold a shirt properly. I've watched how she does it six or seven times, but I still can't do it. I don't know which is sadder. The fact that I still can't do it after seeing it six or seven times or the fact that I actually watched a clip on how to fold a shirt in the first place. Just shoot me now.
- posted by April @ 11:48 PM  

 
I just spent what felt like hours writing what may have been the most brilliantly funny post in the history of this blog. Yes, I know that's not a huge accomplishment, but my goals are small. The thing is, you're never going to get to read that post because right as I was getting to the end of it my computer had a nervous breakdown. Totally froze up. After I was done swearing and throwing things I was just too dejected to try to recapture the essense of that post. Kinda sounds like the fish story about "The One That Got Away", doesn't it? So, tomorrow's another day, and it's back to mediocrity for me. Hope your day has been better than mine, although if that's the worst thing that happens to me all day, I'm doing pretty good. Just so it's not a total loss, I'll leave you with a link to a site where humor is their profession (i.e. they get paid for it).
- posted by April @ 10:26 PM  

 
Okay, I admit it. I'm a Harry Potter fan. Yes, I know they're supposedly children's books, but I got hooked. My friend, Caryn, turned me on to them, and at the time I thought, "It's only one little book. No one will ever know. Besides, I don't want Caryn to think I'm hopelessly uncool, so I'll just read this one and then I'll never do it again." Well, here I am five books later. How was I supposed to know that it only took a couple of chapters to become addicted? I try to rationalize my addiction by telling myself that it's only the books. I'm not some hardcore junkie who has actually seen the movies too (well, not yet). At least I'm honest about it. I'll bet there are a lot more adult Harry Potter junkies out there who are still hiding their addiction from family and friends. You know who you are. After all, take a look at the books' sales records. The numbers don't lie.

Anyways, the reason I'm owning up to my "habit" is that I found a really cool personality quiz that will tell you which Harry Potter character you are most like. According to its author, it's based on the principles of the Myers-Briggs Personality Typing system. Even if it isn't one hundred percent scientific, it's still a lot of fun. I've posted the link and my own results below, especially since my personality matched up with a really cool character in the books. Let's face it, had the results compared me to Lord Voldemort or someone similarly evil, you wouldn't be reading this.


Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

- posted by April @ 9:40 PM  

 
Just ran across another link that I thought I'd share. This should be fun, especially if you're stuck at work this afternoon and are looking for something that will help you get through the hours until the weekend.One warning though: be sure to turn your volume down before clicking on the link. Just thought I'd warn you ahead of time that the music starts as soon as you hit the page. Don't want to attract the boss's attention or awaken the co-worker in the cubicle next to yours. This link is to an online game of darts. All you need now are some munchies and a nice cold beer and you can pretend the weekend has already started. Hooray!
- posted by April @ 12:05 PM  

 
Usually, like most people, I'm not a real fan of commercials. It's not a big deal to me, since I rarely watch television. Every now and then, though, a company will come up with a winner of an ad campaign. Seems like the Superbowl is the time the most creative and least annoying ads are debuted. I don't know if or when this commercial aired, but it's of that rare kind that doesn't make me want to change the station immediately (Unlike the Quiznos commercial with the ugly little rat-like creatures or the "nails-on-a-blackboard" current campaign). If you happen to be a fan of Rube Goldberg devices, as I am, you'll love it.
- posted by April @ 7:19 AM  

 
New and Improved: Now with Comments!
Well, I finally did it. I added a "comments" feature to this site. Considering that I'm totally incompetent when it comes to coding, this was no small feat. What took me most of the night to do would probably have taken any middle school student about five minutes. Or less.

Anyways, this morning I was pretty excited to see that someone had actually left me my very first comment! That lasted for all of about two seconds, since, as I started to read it, I discovered it was from someone with their own agenda that had absolutely nothing to do with anything I've written about. So it seems that all the time I spent making sure I had everything just right was spent so someone could use the space for free advertising. Fortunately, my lack of knowledge does not preclude my being able to delete such comments and ban the IP's of anyone who leaves them. Although I doubt it will make any difference, since the people who leave posts like this don't bother to read what's written here, I'm going to say it anyways. Those of you who have the intelligence and common sense to already know what I'm going to say, please indulge me. If you're going to post a comment, please make sure it's at least somewhat relevant to the content of this page. If you're looking for a place to publish your junk, do what I did. Start your own website. If you use the comments feature on my blog as your own personal free advertising space, I will delete your post as soon as I see it and ban your IP. Period.

Okay now, having gotten that out of the way, I would welcome feedback on what you think of the new commenting system. It took me a while to find one that had all the features that I wanted, but persistence paid off. Well, actually, it was persistence and a good amount of luck. Through sheer coincidence, I happened upon a site that will show you who has linked to you. Since I have only just begun this blog, I didn't expect anyone to know it existed, much less link to it. Imagine my surprise then, when I tried a search and found that someone has indeed linked me. And even better, that the person who linked me has a very enjoyable site of her own. It was on her site that I finally found the commenting feature that has everything I had been looking for. I owe a big "Thank you," to The Rabid Librarian. Serendipity does exist.

Here's another cool link that I wanted to share. Have a great day and I'll catch you later!
- posted by April @ 12:29 PM  

 
Laughter, the Best Medicine?
Supposedly, laughter is the best medicine, but I doubt those of us who live with chronic pain will be trading our narcotics for it anytime soon. Even so, a little supplemental humor couldn't hurt anyone, so, with that in mind, I thought I'd share a few jokes I heard recently. Hope they brighten your day a bit!

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No, I'm really a blond."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."


Okay, if that one didn't make you smile, maybe this one will:


How To Wash A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
A DOG OWNER

I'll bet you can guess....I'm more of a dog fan.

- posted by April @ 10:33 PM  

 
Just about anyone who has known me for any length of time can attest to the fact that I am a true bibliophile. Of course, one of the biggest drawbacks of this, at least for me, is the fact that I live in a mobile home (read "trailer"). If you've ever been unfortunate enough to live in one, then you'll know that storage space is practically non-existent. My library has grown so large that I have boxes of books stacked in the shower stall in my second bathroom. Since I always use the "master" bath (in a trailer?) for my showers and other assorted personal hygiene, that second shower stall seemed a waste of valuable space. All I need to do is be sure that I never turn on the water. As A bonus, since there are now books in it, that's one less shower to deal with in my annual house-cleaning.

Anyways, to get back to my point, (and, yes, I do have one) I just read an article on BookCrossing.com entitled Woman Checks Into Book Rehab Centre. It's an article I could have written myself. The situations and feelings the author describes are ones I'm familiar with on an intimate basis. It's so good to know I'm not alone. Is there maybe a twelve-step program for people like us?
- posted by April @ 1:58 AM  

 
The All New Yahoo! Messenger (BETA)
Just wanted to make a quick post about something I ran across in my travels on the web today. If you aren't already aware of it, Yahoo is launching a new version of Messenger. It's an upgrade of the old Messenger service that also has some really cool new features. It's still in the beta testing stage, so if you want to check it out, here's the link to The All New Yahoo! Messenger (BETA).
- posted by April @ 9:10 PM  

 
As I mentioned earlier, I rented and watched two movies, The Usual Suspects, and Something's Gotta Give. They are both enjoyable films, but neither of them lived up to the expectations I had from listening to all the hype surrounding them. In the case of The Usual Suspects, that's more my fault. Since the movie was released nearly ten years ago (1995), it was inevitable that the "surprise" ending would be spoiled for me. It definitely would have had a greater impact if I hadn't known the identity of Keyser Soze ahead of time. Still, it was a very watchable and enjoyable film, especially since it featured one of my favorite actors, Kevin Spacey.

Likewise, Something's Gotta Give was a good film, but not what I would call a great one. It was a sometimes-funny, pleasant diversion. There was one aspect of the film that I found a little hard to believe. I don't think I'm giving anything away to those who have not seen the film yet by mentioning it. It's something that was pretty evident from the trailers for the movie. The aspect that I found a little hard to believe was that Diane Keaton's character (Erica Barry) chose Jack Nicholson's character (Harry Sanborn) over that of Keanu Reeves (Dr. Julian Mercer). Jack Nicholson is a 63 year old, perennial bachelor who won't even look at a woman under the age of 30. Keanu Reeves is a 35 year old doctor with good looks and a great personality to go with them. Which would you choose? Sounds like a no-brainer to me, but I'm curious about how other women feel. Would you make what I thought was the obvious choice, or is there just something about an older, more experienced man that rocks your world? That's why I created the poll below. Please, take the time to vote and let me know what you think. There is a place for you to leave comments on the results page.






- posted by April @ 4:03 AM